5 Ways Not Having Kids Will Affect Your Life
When someone describes themselves as a 40-something woman, never married, with no kids…
What was the first thought that popped into your head?
Let me hazard a guess.
Is she <whispered> barren?
Okay. I personally just had a “Scarface” moment there. “Her womb is polluted.” But back to regularly-scheduled programming…
Is she barren? That poor woman… she must be so sad and unfulfilled. Or… Oh, My God! Did she actually make that CHOICE?? How could she not want to have a baby? Why else were women given their child-bearing hips? How come she never even got married? Maybe it wasn’t commitment issues. Is that why her relationships haven’t worked? Maybe that’s what’s wrong with her. What IS wrong with her?
She is a rather rare species — that one — is she not? The species whose common name some might even call Old Maid?
Whatever the reason – be it biological, circumstance or choice – it’s just you.
Sure, it can be a touchy subject, right? Considered a very private affair, or even a closely-guarded secret.
There is the woman who desperately wants to be a Momma, but her body has not exactly cooperated. The woman who doesn’t feel a need to have a baby, just for the sake of having a baby. She might have considered it, as part of having a family. But until she got the couple part “right,” it wasn’t something she was looking to do on her own. Of course, there are other options available to the woman who would take it on by herself. And there’s also the woman who decides she ultimately wants something entirely different for her life.
Whatever the reason or circumstance or choice for you, here are 5 Ways I personally have experienced, that – for better or for worse — not having kids will shape your life.
People will judge you
And the old cliche… think you’re selfish. That you somehow then need to be the object of their derision. Or their pity.
People can sure assume a lot of shit. And by “shit,” I mean specifically that you want what they want. That you should want what they want. Or what they’ve got. That everybody should want what they’ve got.
Especially if they don’t or they barely know you, those people can frankly just get over themselves.
…and shove it.
You’ll judge yourself
Specifically, then, as being less-than, in those inevitable moments that you question your decisions or where you are in life.
Maybe, in the name of being that good and kind person that even gets asked to be a Godmother or legal guardian, or perhaps you even self-assign yourself the duty to step up and be that extra-special role model to some little leprechaun… if you have any kind of issue with boundaries in the first place, it can really tug on the old heartstrings. Not only that you need to/have to put the little one first, but, by extension, the people who actually created the cute, slobbery little fucker in the first place.
You only have to share your Lucky Charms if you really want to.
Wanting different or being different is just…
It does not affect your value as a human being.
You get to be the cool, crazy Auntie
Did you think Shannon Tweed’s sister?
But you can still be fun and crazy AND the poster child for being yourself and making the choices that are right for you.
Plus, your house stays clean AND you get to spoil them rotten when you get them for the weekend. Meh… brush off Mom’s comment, when she says they “owned you.” Somebody has to smuggle your booze into the home when you’re old, right?
Consider it good karma.
Not to mention, if they’re precocious and have any interest where they land in your will. 😉
Maybe you never feel a need to get married
How many people think marriage is just a piece of paper, anyway? That two people who really and truly want to be together, will be together. Certificate, or no. Maybe you know of a couple that’s been together seemingly forever, happily, has a family and never exchanged any official vows. How many couples are together, but that piece of paper is really the only actual bond between them anymore?
Sure, some days you might wonder, too, if it’s too easy to walk away from a relationship, then… but there’s not the struggle of playing victim or martyr and staying for the sake of the kids.
Your ex can truly be your ex
Now, I don’t know about you, but I personally have had no success at being friends with any of my exes. Or any desire to be, if I’m honest. Okay, there were the initial post-breakup occasional cordial-enough drunk dials and random “I’ve been thinking about you” check-ins. But, really, what is up with that? Memories and nostalgia, and usually validation that we are better-off apart.
Instead of biting your tongue and carefully choosing your words and playing nice at school and family functions, and if purging them from your life and your phone and your photo albums and cutting off all contact is really what works best for you, it is an absolute luxury – even a blessing — that you can choose and enforce. Guilt-free.
Ultimately, the fact that it’s you and you alone… and at the risk of further agitating Tony Montana… the state of your womb is your business, and nobody else’s.
I personally am a 40-something, never-married, childless woman. Some might say I have no — or at least, less — baggage. Believe me… I still have baggage. And so the little leprechauns in my life that I love and adore had best smuggle me some vodka into the home, if they care about what’s best for me. And know what’s good for them. Or, when the time comes, I will gift what I have to the Humane Society or a Frenchie rescue.
I am done judging my past and my life. It is what it is. I am ready to jump in with both feet and live what’s left of it.
Do I wonder about what, if any, legacy I will leave? I do. I hope to leave the world a better place, in my own small, special way.
Am I scared to end up alone? Do I find silence deafening? Yes. Sometimes. I’m human.
But I have come to be content in my own company.
Is my life full, in the meantime? It is my intention every day to make it so.
Sometimes friends become family, right? If you’re looking to connect with other women just like you, who really get you, join the be THAT woman Facebook Support Community, for a safe place to turn in those moments when feeling alone still scares your pants off.