I’m a solid 6.
Of course, there’s no universally delineated scale to measure something as intangible and subjective as to how we’re feeling, how happy we are or how in love we are with our life. I’m going to go out on a bit of a woo-woo limb here, though, to tell you I feel I am currently vibrating at a solid 6 out of 10, overall energy-wise.
Yes. There’s definitely room for improvement here.
I was once described by someone as a melancholy personality. I guess it’s a label I then strapped right on tight and wore, but I do feel it’s definitely more accurate than not. Most of the time, I still choose to channel my inner goth girl and column dress in all black. It’s also reflected in my resting bitch face, the pitch of my voice, my favourite songs and my affinity for twisted, dark humour.
Frankly, people who are really high-energy, super enthusiastic and always on the go – seemingly always ON – mostly make me nervous. And rather tired.
I suppose, when it comes right down to it, they’re a very in-my-face reminder of what I am …well, often, NOT.
So, while I absolutely do strive towards greater energy, optimism, positivity and seldom-wavering hopefulness and faith, I have come to accept it’s just not my default setpoint. Especially in the present moment.
As it does, Life happened, and 2018 was a relatively challenging year.
But here I go… with, indeed, yet another inspirational quote. I’m thinking you’ve maybe even heard it before:
“You’re the average of the five people
you spend the most time with.”
– Jim Rohn
So, of course, wouldn’t it just automatically be our tendency to go out and find the happiest, most positive, successful, magnetic, interesting… etc… etc… etc… friends that we can? In spite of fear or worry lingering deep down in the pit of your belly that you might drag them down with you, it’s natural to long to surround yourself with people who possess that contagious energy. That certain something.
Because, ultimately, don’t we want to be THAT woman, too?
But what about those days when you’re feeling so tired and off – frankly, edgy – that it’s just too much of a leap for you to go there with them? And so only contributes to that vicious circle of you feeling even worse about yourself and dragging you down even more?
We do have a probably somewhat universal list of traits in people that we find desirable, attractive, better …good …right.
Then what happens when you’re in a funk? When you’re just not feeling it? And certainly not for lack of wanting or trying. But when you’re feeling physically unwell, angry, jealous, envious, sad, depressed, anxious and/or otherwise experiencing challenges with your mental health?
And when you’re keenly aware that the Law of Attraction dictates like attracts like, so that you’re near desperate to raise yourself up? To come out the other side as the kind of friend or mate you’d want to have?
In the name of happiness and falling victim to perfectionism and caring too much what other people think, among other self-defeating habits, exactly how often do you reject yourself?
“Every pain, addiction, anguish, longing, depression,
anger or fear is an orphaned part of us seeking joy,
some disowned shadow wanting to return
to the light and home of ourselves.”
– Jacob Nordby
So the next time you berate yourself for making a mistake and then continue to beat yourself up incessantly for it… the next time you get sucked into some drama and the situation blows up in your face… the next time you throw yourself a pity party… the next time you numb out with an extra glass of wine, that you justify you’re not actually drinking alone since the dog is home… the next time you really want to tell someone to fuck right off but would never actually do it… the next time you give the finger to a text message and then judge yourself for it… the next time you scream every obscenity you know into your pillow until your throat is burning and raw and then burst into unstoppable big, fat, hot tears because only a horrible, horrible person would even think such a thing, never mind ever vocalize it…
STOP!
Just stop. And feel it. I mean, really allow yourself to feel it. So that you can identify what it’s trying to tell you about where you’re out of alignment with your values, what you would like to see change, where your boundaries need some attention or about a wound that is still aching to be healed.
There are community and connection to be found in relatability and shared experiences. But also remember that your path is as unique to you as your fingerprint. If you try to rush it or ignore it, Life has its way of bringing you back to where you need to be.
So, as impatient and, at times, downright desperate you might feel to just be THAT woman who has dealt with it, is over it, has let go and has her shit so together she is positively vibrating off the charts already… it’s crucial for you to accept yourself exactly where you are in your personal, individual healing journey.
“Your life will be transformed
when you make peace with your shadow.
The caterpillar will become a breathtakingly beautiful butterfly.
You will no longer have to pretend to be someone you’re not.
You will no longer have to prove you’re good enough.
When you embrace your shadow,
you will no longer have to live in fear.
Find the gifts of your shadow
and you will finally revel in all the glory of your true self.
Then you will have the freedom to create
the life you have always desired.”
– Debbie Ford